The Mentor was one of the professionals whom The Educator brought to speak with The 2020 Crew. He was the person who encouraged me to start this Newsletter.
I was hesitant to start writing because I could not remember things.
It was like a song in the class with Me singing the verses and The Mentor contributing the chorus.
Me: “But I don’t know what to say.”
Chorus from The Mentor: “Write.”
Me: “I don’t remember anything.”
Chorus from The Mentor: “Write.”
The Mentor: “The Memories will come. Just start.”
Me: “Where will I write?”
New chorus
The Mentor: “Substack.”
Me: “How will I get the word out?”
The Mentor: “Substack.”
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The Mentor taught us whatever we did, to be sure we were consistent. He said that was important.
I remembered that.
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I held writing quietly at the back of my head before the Brain Injury and had not really dabbled in it before. I wrote things for others, but not for myself. I thought, maybe The Mentor was correct.
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The Mentor gave me his advice in March 2020.
It was not until July 2020 that I actually started writing and began this Newsletter.
Apparently, I needed to heave and haw before I got enough courage to start.
Then I took a long while to figure some things out. It was roughly interesting at first. To this day, I still learn new things each time I publish.
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Once I started writing for the Newsletter, the memories came.
Not all at once.
Whenever it was time to write about a particular person, moment, or event, that particular memory came, and I took notes.
The memories came one article at a time and at all sorts of hours.
I would know only the titles of the next 2 or 3 articles I wanted to write about, so I simply listed them as Items 1,2,3. Then without fail, the memories would come exactly when the writing for that particular article was ready to be prepared for publishing.
Then I would read, re-read and re-re-read the article after it was published as I sat in awe.
I wrote that? Really? Wow? Nah.
I still do that for current and older articles. It never gets old.
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The writing of this Newsletter has done amazing things to help me with forgiveness. It has brought unbelievable healing for me. I was able to let go of the lingering anger, the stuck pain and the unclaimed disillusionment.
And then I was able to completely forgive.
This Newsletter gave me a voice and a place to express my feelings, hurts and frustrations. To face my people-disappointments and to deal with them. Including the disappointments, I never expressed. It helped me to empty the too-heavy basket I was minding and to stay focused on my own road.
This Newsletter also gave me the opportunity to explain reasons and situations to a concerned group of people all at once.
I would remember something at random, intensely feel the emotion, cry a lot, write some more, wipe tears, blow my nose and then the emotion was gone, and so too was the too-real-memory.
It was like a bird coming to the windowsill for fruit, ate it, and then flew away.
That was the end of that.
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The Mentor was also the same person who taught another class of us how to do Podcasting.
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Eleven months after I started this Newsletter, I received the email on the Podcast class. And in that moment, I felt a door close, as another was opening. I felt the ‘hiding time’ was coming to an end and the ‘get out there’ time was approaching.
I got a scholarship to do the Podcast class. I was so excited and enthusiastic. I was ready. I knew the first person I would interview was Wonder Woman.
Then right in the middle of the course, I got completely overwhelmed.
I was so overloaded.
My brain threatened to shut me down, but politely this time.
It was like an immediate command to stop immediately, sit back, breathe and do nothing.
I spent the next 2 weeks doing nothing but sleeping, eating and grooming.
I realized that was how my brain spoke to me, and that was how I needed to follow its instructions.
After that experience, I was much clearer about what ‘it’s not for me’ felt like, and I honored the feeling that time.
I aggressively honored that feeling. I put myself first and I protected myself no matter what!
I learnt.
So not doing that Brain Injury Thing again!
So, I took 2 weeks off, caught myself and then formally dropped out of the class. I phoned The Educator and The Mentor to apologize and to explain. Their reactions and separate talks, calmed me, removed the perfectionists’ traits I held, taught me to be more patient with myself and to honor my likes, needs, and timings. It was okay.
I inhaled that lesson.
As much as I wanted to do podcast interviewing with other Brain Injury survivors, I realized it was not for me and to leave that journey to someone else. It simply was not my road to take.
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Thank you, Mentor, for using your time and energy to suggest, guide and manage my stubbornness. I am deeply grateful.